i walk the halls of my new skewel degrassi and all I see are cheerleaders, poseurs, and wannabes. it's like, if you look different you're sent to the boiler room until you conform or die. maybe i'll check it out hahaha.

i saw some of these fine specimens in action when before my very own eyes one of their kind was cast aside like trash. ha ha i made a joke - rhymes with trash...

she looked so pathetic i had to throw her a lifeline and its weird but she's kinda kool. has her own mind. further she gets away from the carcinogenic pack-o-britneys the better...

got lots of sideways looks and eye rolls while navigating the hallway labyrinth at degrassi. funny how people are absolutely terrified of anyone who looks or dresses different. i was in this class where the teacher asked everyone what "group" they identified with...then all these trendoids go on about how they don't want to be "labelled". meanwhile they're all wearing one uniform or another - skaters, hip hop, whatever whatever whatever. it's hypocrisy. uniform = uniformity = conformity = death.

NO labels!

My body mods - piercing - all basically started with a showdown between me and my mum over my curfew and I told her if she wouldn't extend it i'd get a belly ring.
Of course she didn't budge, so I went and got the parental consent form from this tattoo/ piercing place - and my mum signed it. She didn't think I'd get it done, she dared me to do it... then it got weirder when she helped me pick out the ring. then she came with me sat there while my cousin Attila the tat-man pierced it! It REALLY hurt, but I love it.

Here's where it gets really weird...now my mum really likes my belly ring and she's even talking about getting one. Mid life crisis or what? As long as my DAD doesn't find out any of this - it's a bizarre secret between my mum and me now.

Now I'm thinking of getting a tattoo - a small target in the middle of my back. Get it? Duh.

Gonna keep this short. Why? Oh, I dunno - becus i'm in M.I. class and if anyone finds out what i'm writing I'll die of embarrassment then transferr to another school. Yes, even after I die of embarrassment I'll transfer. Shut up.

I have a feeling like I have never had before...and I hate it. It's what the youth of today commonly refer to as a "crush" i'm afraid. Ewww. I'm like THEM: the couplers.

But I can't make the feeling go away and I don't know what to do about it. I never thought of him as my "type" but he's an open-minded guy. guess I didn't think he was my "type" bcuz I never met his "type" before. There's no way i can TELL him...it's not that i'm afraid what he'll do - I just don't want ANYONE to know I have a girly crush on someone. The last thing I want is to be the topic of lame-o school gossip.

Maybe I can ignore it until it goes away. He's single anyway, so what's the rush, Ellie? Chill.

One of my best friends has a secret about himself. I'm helping him hide that secret. The secret? He's gay. Or maybe bi. But I think more gay than bi. I'm not sure. But I think he knows it more than he admits he does...
Obviosly, being gay or lesbian isn't easy. As someone who's different from most people my age I know what i'm talking about. i know how judgemental and ignorant and idiotic people can be. BUT.
I think the most important thing in the world is being yourself and anyone who can't deal can stuff it. (wow was it ever hard to think of a code-friendly way to say that!) That's y I am the way i am. I don't like to look and act like most other girls my age do. if you're different it's not as easy for people to be friends with you, and so if they are you know they're the real deal... that's why i feel like maybe i'm being a hypocrite for helping my friend keep the secret that he's gay. If he is, why keep it a secret? If people can't deal with that, they can stuff it!! (phew! again!). I know it's hard, but you have to be STRONG. You have to not let everyone's BS get to you and be proud to be yourself. If you pretend to be something else you will NEVER be happy. Eventually you will hate yourself and then who knows what could happen.
Anyway all I know is he can't pretend forever -- and neither can I. The past week hasn't been easy on me either. It's not like I'm going to out him or anything. If he needs me to pretend to be his gf for a while, OK. But I'm not sure how long I can go along with the lie...

Consider this: I really liked him as, you know, more than a friend. He's different than the other guys, and a load of fun. For a minute there I thought he liked me the same way. Took long enough to find out he didn't. I had to force him to tell me what was going on - it was like he was stringing me along just b/cuz it looked good in front of the guys. It was almost as frustrating for me as it was for him. Gay or not, why is it always so hard to get a guy to tell you how he REALLY thinks about anything, or to open up. These are all the reasons I'm in no hurry to get a bf. You just end up looking stupid.
Maybe I turned him gay. (hehehe)
Sorry, not funny. But did I? Hm...

Not the boy band, girls and boys. I mean and me. You couldn't do much better than to have him as a partner for a school project. Seems like we're completely in tune. It's like we're twins, we think so alike. Everyone else thinks so too - that's why people think we're "together." Not true, but it makes no difference to me what they think!

We're in total creative synch for advertising project for M.I. we're working on.... it's like, I love all his ideas, and he loves mine. Everything we come up with complements something else, and makes the over all project better. We're doing a mock ad for fragrance that both sexes can wear. We don't have a name for it yet, but I'm sure we'll both agree on something. It's kewl working with him.

My best is also my best gay friend. It's official. To me anyway. He finally looked right into my eyes and said, "I'm gay." I'm the second person to know, after him.
I'm sure he still feels a little bit confused and even maybe afraid about "coming out" - he only told me after all - but speaking for myself (which is all I can do) I'm SO relieved.
It wasn't easy pretending along with him, that he was into girls and I was the one. I found out what they call that - I was his "beard" and sometimes I wasn't very good at it.
Pretending. Marco pretending to everyone except me that he was as straight as an arrow and that I was his unofficial girlfriend. Me playing that role for him giving him time to figure it all out while protecting his secret.
But what was WAY worse was me pretending that maybe there was a tiny chance that I'd be the one girl who could change his mind. I supported him and played along as long as I could - I mean obviously I don't care if someone is straight/bi/gay/lesbian/whatever... but I really like Marco. Why does HE have to be one of the possibly gay ones?? Well now that "possibly" has become "definitely" I hope it will make it easer for is to be friends...
Under one condition: NO MORE PRETENDING. I just can't do it any more.
We were shooting our video ad for "Duet" - our unisex cologne idea. I'm not gonna blabber on about the details of how we started out totally in sync then had more and more problems working together until...
well what happened was -- I kissed him. We were "acting" the parts of the 2 lovers in the commercial (ironic, eh?), holding each other in our arms and I... I know I shouldn't have done it...but I kissed him. Why? Maybe I needed to find out or I needed a sign or -- something. I guess no matter how much I wanted to I just couldn't keep pretending that I was totally cool with acting like his heterosexual special girl-type associate, maybe I needed to force him to let the truth out one way or another. That and I also really wanted to kiss him. I'm such an idiot.
But anyway truth finally came out. He's not longer "confused." He's gay -- but still I'm the only one who knows at Degrassi. Let's keep it our online secret, ok? It's only fair to him.

So now what??

Here's what I am: A confused stupid girl who's still kinda attracted to a gay guy. Now that he figured himself out it's time for me to figure me out.
*sigh*

my co-op interview was a complete disaster - i was all "duh..." i think...i can't really remember, all i know is that i wanted to run as soon as i got there.... but somehow i got it.

paige was being so obnoxious. wow. really? she had herself convinced she was going to get the co-op for Caitlin Ryan's TV show, so the look on her face when it turned out i got the job - classic. it took her almost a full minute to think of something mean to say. must be losing her touch. she's one of those people who peaks when she's 15 and spends the rest of her life pretending she's still the most popular girl in high school. Loser.

it's awesome that i got the co-op but... it's not like i can get all excited about it right now... with my dad away again. . . and my mom... she's not great when my dad's away... and i'm the only one who sees the transformation...she denies that anything is wrong... plus it's like there's a million other things and yet nothing all at the same time and i have this pit in my stomach that ... maybe there isn't anything wrong and the problem is me... really, lots of people have worse things to deal with in life... so i'll just shut up and deal with it myself. stop reading...

whatever. i don't care. i'm numb... but sometimes pain can make you feel like you can handle things...

when paige caught me in the bathroom with my protractor she freaked out and told miss sauve and...i dont know... at first i thought she was just trying to sabotage me but... she's been through some bad stuff too so...

now im supposed to be talking to miss sauve every day for awhile, but... those conversations are going to be short.
i don't even know what's wrong if anything and it's not like i have ever said one thing about this to ash or even marco who's are preoccupied with their own crap. what is there to say anyway? probably nothing... i should just suck it up and deal...

if i didnt have the co-op job id truly be in hell right now. i hope i don't screw it up.

ellie

my dad comes home today on a two-week leave. it's the best news i've had in a while not so much for me even though i do miss him but for my mom who i'm sure would not take a holiday without him very well...he's a normalizing influence on her when he's around. one thing that's so frustrating is whenever my mom talks to my dad on the phone when he's away she pretends we're all just fine and everything is perfect when the reality is so much different. she gets so depressed when he's not here and it stresses me out like crazy when she's having one of her down swings and starts self-medicating with alcohol. maybe i'll try to bring it up with my dad while he's home but i don't really know how to do it without causing nightmarish familial chaos...
whatever... live for the moment right? if things are better for the next 2 weeks i should just try to enjoy it while it lasts. come to think about it, that's what punk rock is all about. ever since Johnny Rotten said "no future for you" he wasn't just talking about England - he was talking about living with the pain that all punks understand... a sort of hopeless feeling about the future, something you can't avoid or change... which is why it's best not to think about it much. wow that's depressing! sorry everyone... for my own good i should stick to activist bands like Rage and The Clash to keep my hopes up from now on...
punx rool!

why is it that i always get this feeling of dread every time i sit down to ramble on about myself in my journal? i really can't stand talking about myself in general and this is just like talking about myself to myself. the only thing i hate more than talking about myself is listening to myself... it's like shut up, el.
anyway, might as well rip the band-aid off fast and get it over with...
i guess i am starting to get "better" if that's what you can call it. i still don't know what exactly was going on in my head that made me start to cut... our counselor says it's all about being able to control the pain you're feeling in the only way you can. i'm telling you it was no fun at first when i had to talk to her. i just wanted her to tell me how to sort out all the crap in my life but all she wanted was for me to talk to her. it was so awkward at first. it wasn't that i didn't want to tell her anything...i just honestly didn't know what to say. i think the third or fourth time i met with her i finally started to talk about how i didn't know what to talk about - and weirdly things sort of got going from there. every so often i still get these cravings to feel it but i'm on elastic therapy - snap an elastic against your wrist instead of cutting again... i'm such a conformist!! he he
other than that... i'm pretty psyched about something I thought about "pitching" (that's what they call telling someone your ideas in journalism) to Caitlin for my co-op job. She's SO cool to work with and she's always on my case to come up with story ideas of my own, so if i show i know what journalism is all about they might keep me on to work on her TV show after school's over. so the thing is that there's some really strange things going on at school and it's sort of a big mystery about who is behind it all. my plan is to find out, even if i have to be slightly devious about it. that's all i'll say for now...

the hallways are lined with whisperers and sad faces after the whole terri incident and even though i feel bad for that poor girl, i also feel kinda guilty cuz i'm the only person here who is actually happy. what a total switch that is from the norm. at least there's still the guilt...
things are going ok for me right now. im still meeting with the school counselor to talk about my stuff, but not as often as i was before. once in a while i even manage to say something. i still absolutely love my co-op job and working with caitlin is as amazing as ever. its about a hundred times better than any of the boring classes ive ever taken. caitlins giving me more and more responsibility and im starting to feel really involved in whats happening. she even let me sit in on a production meeting. i know, big deal...but it's still cool.

but still..even with all that sometimes it's hard... like now that things are going ok i have to try to keep them going ok which is kinda stressful. but i learned to deal with it in "other" ways. so far so good...

plus, for once in my life, i have a...it's almost too gross to admit it...a real boyfriend. oh yeah i became a coupler. go ahead and make fun of me. course i screwed everything up to begin with because i had no clue how to be a...must...force...word...out girl-- nah. how about "significant female associate." that's better.
obviously now i know i shouldnt have let marco tag along with me and sean, but sean also had to clue in that me and marco are close friends too, so yeah, of course were going to be hanging out sometimes. . . i guess just not all the time now. but there's no WAY i'm going to ever let having a significant male associate get in the way of me and my friends.
whatev-- it's cool that sean and i managed to talk about that stupidness and work things out, because at first we pretty much broke up (broke up! i can't believe i'm using this terminology) over the whole marco misunderstanding.

ed. note - Sean kissed Ellie.

HEY!! none of your business!

believe it or not, sean makes me blush. thus the thick layer coverup im wearing on my face these days. were so great together it makes me want to puke. when did i turn into such a girl. i hate me!!

ellie.