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Here's what i think about change.....
For the majority of my life, it has always seemed like things have been pretty much the same. I HATE change. I'm so afraid of it even if it is good. I guess some of the hardest changes to deal with are the ones you can't change or even have a say in.... like changing schools or being through a divorce or losing friends. Some changes you can see coming for a long time and still arent prepared for them when they hit, and sometimes, you are so ready that you pray for them to come. I'm very familiar with what i like to call the threat-change....... a change that everyone says is gonna happen and deep down you know it will too but you can always convince urself that its just something people say and not something that will actually go through. Like for years i probably deep down knew that one year my family was gonna be moved down from 4 to 3, and that things would never ever be the same. This was probably a good change, sometimes people arent meant to be together..... i can understand this, and i can accept it, but its still change, and i hate it. Then there is the denial change....the change that is happening before your very own eyes and you dont pay any attention to it until its irreversable.... and even then you deny it for a while. I have had so many friends that i used to adore spending my weekends with, i would give my left arm to go to the mall to see these people and to just laugh once or twice, it was the highlight of my week. Then after a while, they are too busy, and then you are too busy to care, and you can keep saying, no we will always be best friends, we will always be there for each other, and one day you sit and think about the last time you actually spent quality time with someone who you think of as your really good friend. And by quality time, i dont mean said hi to in the halls. I have had this happen to me quite a few times, and before i knew it, they had all drifted away, on to better people and things and all thats left of what used to be my life is now stocked away in the back of my mind as memories hidden in the "change i sat back and watched happen" file. I HATE those. Maybe the reason i hate change so much, is because no matter what kind it is, no matter how long it will take for it to be really good, it usually hurts. It's like when im 60 i'll be sitting in a rocking chair thinking about the people that i let slip right through my fingers. Isnt that sad? Well i guess not all changes are bad, some actually do feel good, some can be the very best for you. But in my life, most of them were hard, and they leave little open spaces inside me that are really hard to close because most the time i'm not really sure what went wrong to cause them to change. (not goth anymore) Now that was a change i DID like lol I once heard that only cowards dont believe in change.... i am a coward, and my way of protecting my feelings, is to avoid change in every way possible.
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Heres what i think about Love.....
Love...oh my goodness, it is the very emotion that starts people's lives and families and brings us together. It is the single most powerful thing on this entire earth, and i believe that. I think one quote really describes love--"it can feel like heaven, and hurt like hell." I think if two people are TRULY in love, nothing could or even almost ever break them apart. Its when one person is that it hurts the most. From the beginning of our lives we all feel love. Our mommies cradle us and tell us how much they love us and then as young kids we recieve cute little Valentines Day cards from all our classmates yelling I love you! with a little puppy holding a heart. Its when it becomes something serious that a person finally looks at it as no longer something final and trusting and great, but as a risk, an emotion that may end in a form of heart break... a word that brings faces and memories to mind as tears originate in the corners of our eyes and when we die, everyone sends us flowers, saying how much they loved us. How can an emotion so important hurt so bad? How come when i was 10 loving someone was ewwww and cootie-filled, and now i have felt its empowering embrace and horrific wrath. Most people think that by saying that i must have just been dumped out of a 5 yr relationship haha yeah right, but just b/c you arent dating someone doesnt mean that you cant love them, i mean i have guy friends that i love and even though they couldnt hurt me as much as someone i really really loved could, they could still use the love that i put in them as a torturous object if they were ever to take their side of it away. Its funny how you cant control love. You can control anger, i mean if i see a girl who looks at me weird i'll think awful things about her but i wont jump up and whip her a$$, even though i know lotsa ppl who would lol You can control fear, fear is ur imagination, a tricky feeling that develops that tells you something is far worse than it really is, and you can ignore it, and overcome it. You cannot control love. You dont choose to love someone so why is it acceptable for ppl to ask you NOT to love someone anymore? its the same exact thing. i wish i had a switch located on my chest beside my heart that says love and no love, that way i could choose when i wanted to feel it and turn it off when i was finished with it for a while. i could write a MILLION paragraphs about love. I mean geez even when ya hate someone it doesnt hurt you as well...and love, which is "supposively" the "good" emotion, hurts like someone stabbed you or something. I guess love is different for everyone. You feel it at different times, at different places, with different people..... But everyone feels it in the same way. It makes you happy and alive and invincible. and when its gone, you are human again, no longer this devine creature high on the comfort of someone who loves you back, and thats when you cry b/c somethin deep inside you tells you that crying will help when really it doesnt, and nothing helps, and it never does. Only after time will that awful feeling fade and even then, it still remains. Love will always take part in the lives of every human being for years to come, and every one of those people will be just as confused about it as the people before then....but that doesnt mean we still dont want it. Love may have the ability to rip you apart, but the feeling that is there when it is with you surpasses any other feeling that could ever become of the risk you take by allowing urself to feel that love, and let me tell you, it IS worth it.
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~*~How come everything I think I need always comes with batteries~*~ John Mayer
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